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The Poor Excuses

Boy, do skits ever present variations of themselves over time, this one over but a period of a month. Cast: Army sergeant, 3 privates Setting: Boot Camp The three privates are in line, side by side, listening to the sergeant's instructions. Sergeant: (using one of those yelling voices) OK men! Listen up! We're going to do a long, hard, invigorating, uphill quick march! I don't want any weenies! Left turn! (They all turn; sergeant takes up the front.) Quick forward march! They all begin doing a quick march (stay in place, of course.) All of a sudden, the private in back sneezes. Sergeant: Company Halt! OK, who did that? You? (Pointing to the first private.) Private: N-n-no Sir! Sergeant: I said no weenies! Integrity is important! All liars die! (Shoots the private.) Private: Oh! You shot and killed me! (Dies.) This last scene repeats itself with some variation, but essentially it's the same. The scene continues to repeat itself until finally, Sergeant: Who did that? You? Private: Y-y-yes Sir! Sergeant: Oh, you poor darling, do you have a cold? Here, have a tissue! Version 2: Essentially the same, but each private, having just been asked "Any objections?" giving a leering, threatening look, gives an excuse such as "I have to take care of my aging grandmother," "I left a tap running," and so on. Each one is killed, or dismissed, according to your desires. Finally, after all are dead or dismissed, he exclaims, "Ah, good! I wasn't looking forward to this march anyway. I'll just go lie down."

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