Oh the Deacon went down, to the cellar to pray.
But he fell asleep, and stayed all day.
[Repeat.]
I Ain't gonna grieve my Lord no more.
Chorus
I Ain't gonna grieve my Lord no more.
I Ain't gonna grieve my Lord no more.
I Ain't gonna grieve my Lord no more.
Oh you can't get to heaven, in a rocking chair.
'Cause the Lord don't allow, no lazybones there. etc.
Oh you can't get to heaven, in a [name of person]'s car.
'Cause the gosh darn thing, won't go that far. etc.
Oh you can't get to heaven, in a [name of person]'s boat.
'Cause the gosh darn thing, won't even float. etc.
Oh you can't get to heaven, on water skis.
'Cause the Lord don't allow, no hairy knees. etc.
Oh you can't get to heaven, on roller skates.
'Cause you'll roll right by those pearly gates. etc.
Oh you can't get to heaven in a limousine,
'Cause the Lord don't sell no gasoline. etc.
Oh you can't get to heaven on a motor bike,
'Cause you'll get halfway, then you'll have to hike. etc.
Oh you can't get to heaven in a supersonic jet,
'Cause the Lord ain't got no runways yet. etc.
Oh you can't get to heaven with powder and paint,
'Cause it makes you look like what you ain't. etc.
Oh you can't get to heaven in a strapless gown,
'Cause the gosh darn thing might fall right down. etc.
Oh you can't get to heaven in [name of person]'s pants,
'Cause [name of person]'s pants are full of ants. etc.
Oh you can't chew terbaccy on the golden shore,
'Cause the Lord don't have no cuspidor. etc.
Oh I want to go to heaven, and I want to do it right,
So I'll go up to heaven all dressed in white. etc.
Oh one fine day, and it won't be long,
You'll look for me, and I'll be gone. etc.
Oh if you get to heaven, before I do.
Just bore a hole, and pull me through. etc.
Well if I get to heaven, before you do.
I'll plug that hole, with shavings and glue. etc.
That's all there is, there ain't no more.
Saint Peter said, as he closed the door. etc.
Oh there's one more thing I forgot to tell,
If you don't go to heaven, you'll go to hell. etc.