Oh! the night was dark and dreary,
The air was full of sleet,
The old man stood out in the storm,
His shoes were full of feet.
Oh, it ain't gonna rain no more, no more,
It ain't gonna rain no more,
How in the heck can I wash my neck,
If it ain't gonna rain no more.
Oh! Mosquito he fly high,
Mosquito he fly low,
If old man 'Skeeta light on me,
He ain't gonna fly no more.
Oh the butterfly flits on wings of gold,
The June-Bug wings of flame,
The Bed-Bug has no wings at all,
But he gets there just the same.
Here's to the chigger who's not any bigger,
That the head of a very small pin.
But the lump that it raises itches like the blazes,
And that's where the rub comes in.
Saw a black-and-white animal in the woods,
Say ain't that little cat pretty,
Went right over to pick it up,
But it wasn't that kind of kitty.
When Mr. Noah built the Ark,
He said it was his duty,
He saved the birds and beasts and bugs,
But why did he save the cootie?
Oh, of all the fishes in the sea,
My favorite is the bass,
He climbs up in the seaweed trees,
And slides down on his hands and knees.
A peanut sat on a railroad track,
Its heart was all a-flutter,
Along came a choo-choo train,
Toot, Toot! Peanut butter!
Oh a man lay down by a sewer
And by a sewer he died.
Now, at the coroner's request,
They called it sewer-side.
A golf ball sailin' thru the air,
Whizzed by a man a hummin'
He heard a caddy holler, "Fore!"
An' he thought three more were comin'.
"The way to tell the twins apart,"
The proud father said,
"I put my finger in Willie's mouth,
If he bites it, then it's Ned."
When boating, never quarrel,
For you'll find, without a doubt,
A boat is not the proper place
To have a falling out.
"The coffee is exhausted, Sir."
The diner was advised.
Says he, "It's been so weak of late,
I'm really not surprised."
There's a gal up in the hills,
She's awfully shy and meek,
She undresses in the dark
Because the mountains peak.
The rich man drives a Cadillac,
The poor man drives a Ford.
But my old man drives down the road,
Between four wheels and a board.
Mary had a little lamb,
She fed it castor oil.
And everywhere that little lamb went,
It fertilized the soil.
Mary had a steamboat;
The steamboat had a bell.
Mary went to heaven,
The steamboat went "Toot, toot."
Mary had a little lamb,
But now that lamb is dead.
So now she takes the lamb to school,
Between two slabs of bread.
When Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor almost cried.
But when Ol' MacDonald had a farm,
The doctor almost died.
Said baby tern to mother tern,
"Can I have a brother."
"Yes" said mom to baby tern,
"One good tern deserves another."
Mary is a proper girl,
She goes to church on Sundays.
She prays to the Lord to give her strength,
To chase the boys on Mondays.
Oh for a home where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play.
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
For what can an antelope say?